Important Steps to Better Marketing Yourself as an Indie Musician
At a recent music expo, ASCAP told musicians that they should not whine, vent, or rant in songs. I simply couldn’t agree more.
To understand why you shouldn’t vent in music, consider this first: the radio.
Yes, I know. Radio might be passe’, but understand, when used to advertise to people in their cars, who are stuck migrating to the jobs needed to pretend they could ever pay off the debts they owe these same sponsors - these peak hours are the last moment that someone wants to empathize with you and your emotional outbursts. Especially if any of your verbal impulses remind them of the horror of their own ill chosen fates, it could lead them to change the station before that ad for hair conditioner comes on.
You see, without countless forms of sponsoring, musicians do not bring fuckloads of cash to the economic spectrum on their own; and even though ASCAP and the like, give us independents such wonderful advice in streamlining the magnetic nature of our wallets, let’s face it: not venting or showing emotion is only a baby step towards being a truly marketable, indie musician. So I say let’s take it a good deal further.
Listen up! Here are some important things you’re going to have to change if you’re finally going to make a buck as an indie artist.
First. Don’t just stop venting, quit writing lyrics all together.
Sure, there might be dead poets starring in their own reality casket show, but otherwise there aren’t any wordsters bringing in the kind of megabucks which cause financial sectors much of a boner. Just remember, a well managed marketing agency will always fill you in on the needed catch phrase you’ll be delivering in the ads you’ll be aired in. So don’t fret your hours away over a spiral pad with a pen, or clack your fingers madly on some kind of word-processing program, believing you have something to say. Simply whiten your teeth.
All right. You might not create lyrical music. Well that sure doesn’t mean you’re marketing gold, in fact that could be far worse. Therefore, this next gem might be the most important advice of all. For it doesn’t matter whether it’s a shock-rocking flying V guitar, a finely crafted violin (or anything with strings and pegs, frankly), racks of keyboards, laptops, iPads, a wall of analog knobbery, a circuit bent dildo, or even a triangle - let’s face it, musical instruments and sound making on the whole will make you look like some kind of noise clappering hippie, and that sure isn’t going to lead to any kind of monumental sales. So the next step, is to stop making any kind of music whatsoever.
Speaking of album sales, that brings us to that overplayed concept: music releases. What would be the point in you no longer playing instruments or writing lyrics, if you’re going to turn around and sell an album or release a work, which might lead people to believe you do anyhow…defeating the purpose of all your non-hard work? In fact, album sales fail in comparison to sponsoring sales of non-music related goods, so doing any kind of expressive art might destroy the image you have with a specific audience, then ruin your unoffensive reputation as a meaningless social jingler. Express something strongly enough, and you might cross over to a wide range of ages and social groups, or move them in a fashion which could even cause them to think - making it tragically impossible to break them down into target audiences. So truly, it’s best to stop releasing anything if you know what’s best for you.
Which brings us to that concept: you. True success is never all about oneself, it comes hand in hand with those you choose to associate with. Therefore, you should never find yourself in the company of musician types, under any circumstances. You simply can’t afford to be seen strutting about with any of these notation twaddling calamities or you’ll be scorned in an instant by any half-brained consumer grazing their dilapidated mall-hole. Anyhow, I’d even go a step further and not associate with persons who delve into the arts in any form, just to be safe.
If you follow all of this, you should be well on your way to the kind of independent musician they want to see out there: one which doesn’t threaten their monopoly on humanity’s imagination.
Actually, why don’t you just go buy yourself a decent suit - nothing showy mind you, just something clean and non-threatening enough for an entrance level position. Then go land yourself a job in finance. Brokering would be keen, but an insurance gig may suffice. A mailroom job might work for a while, but only if you don’t let any of your fans know you’re not banking six figures a year, or why else would they buy the album that you better not be selling. If you can keep this up for as many decades as you’re able, and survive without a brain tumor, you might end up with enough of a pension left to visit an overcrowded tourist trap of your choice.
Now you may ask yourself, am I still a real musician if I follow this advice? To which I can only answer with: You aren’t getting all whiny on me…are you?
